Crutches, technology and Festival Barga

Barga is not the best place to walk around in if you use crutches, a friend of mine has recently injured her foot and has found it rather difficult to get around, lots of hills, narrow streets and cobble stones. Technology in this case does not seem to help, I tried to persuade her to log into barganews.com and watch us eating, drinking, enjoying the Jazz, ecc on the webcam, the webmaster had even promised to set up an individual chat line connected directly with the various piazza’s . The idea did not grab her!! even with the virtual reality helmet thrown in.

In the end we ended up using some old technology, a motorbike, with crutches in hand, plastered leg and lots of good will she managed to get to the main piazza, put her leg up and enjoy a good night out. She did not join us in the Irish Dancing contest but did rather well in the one legged race.

We are determined to win this challenge before her leg gets better, it is not easy finding someone with a bad leg you know, we are currently throwing around a few ideas but it seems that in this case the microchip does not have an answer. A friend did suggest the use of mind bending hallucination drugs coupled with some virtual reality technology, but it seemed a bit …….So all you people who think that technology has gone too far and that life is becoming virtual, not real, ecc. THINK AGAIN, it can’t even replace “a plate of sausage and melon whilst listening to the housewives choir”
posted by Deety . at 3:35 PM

Moans and Groans

Local has become public
Public has gone loco
Wine has got hot
Beer is not cold
Prices are going up
Tourists are too much
Girls are all over
Boys are shut out
Good talk has gone
Burps are no more
K is not drinking
Rest are not thinking

As an acquaintance of mine once said
“Pipa di più o Trombi di meno”
posted by Deety . at 5:17 PM

What sort of cheese do they have in India.

The normal discussions that fill the air in Barga’s restaurants and bars (sex, drugs rock & roll, porcini mushrooms and Finnish sauna rocks, ) have been pushed into second place by this new and exciting topic. A local businessman is seriously thinking of organising a Barga Indian Cheese and Wine festival next year and has already solicited the local council for funding, some local farmers have expressed their dissatisfaction to this idea, a spokesman said that they were worried about the negative impact such an event would have on the taste of the local wine (apparently ours is not full bodied enough to cope with Indian cheese) and the extra cleaning funds needed due to an increased use of the local lavatories.

I would like to contribute to this cultural event and therefore I have decided to compete with my colleague Silvia and include this simple India cheese recipe in this weeks article.

Indian Cheese (Paneer)
2 qt. whole sacred cow milk
3 to 4 T fresh lemon juice
Bring the milk to a boil in a heavy saucepan. As soon as it begins to froth, add 3 tablespoons of the lemon juice. Stir it in and remove from the heat. The curds should separate from the whey. If they do not, bring the milk once again to a boil and add the remaining tablespoon of lemon juice.
Line a strainer with a large, double layer of cheesecloth. Set the strainer over a large bowl. Pour the curds and whey into the strainer. Let the whey drain. Lift up the 4 corners of the cheesecloth and gently stir cheese into a bundle. Put the bundle on a board set in the sink. Place a plate on the bundle. Put a weight, such as a pot of water, on the plate. Remove the weight after 4 to 6 hours; cheese should be firm. Untie the bundle and refrigerate.

posted by Deety . at 11:02 AM

The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Husbands

I recently read an article on a new book called the surrendered wife. The idea is that the wife should give complete control of everything, including herself to the husband.

The basic principles of a surrendered wife (as quoted in the book) are that she:
• Relinquishes control of her husband
• Respects her husband's thinking
• Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
• Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
• Relies on him to handle household finances
• Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment

Lets look at this technically. How can modern technology help us husbands cope with the extra workload and costs involved in owning a surrendered wife.

Relinquishes control of her husband
Great, no more being bossed around, but if your wife suddenly stops telling you what to do then how do you know what, when, why and how to do things. There is some great software around to help you cope with decision making and project management. I have heard that IBM research has made some great advances in artificial intelligence.

Respects her husband's thinking
If you want to uninstall the surrendered wife then use the WineThinkers software to develop some ideas, then try to explain them to your surrendered wife.

Receives his gifts graciously
Well boys this is quite costly, I know few husbands who actually give gifts to unsurrendered wives , but how can a wife receive gifts graciously and with gratitude if she does not receive any. The upside to this rule is that she is obliged to receive all gifts with gratitude. I would suggest giving her Apple’s new laptop, a 64K ISDN modem and a years subscription to PC magazine.

Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
Be careful with this little gem. The book offers some very clever methods on doing this, I am actually compiling a list of all possible methods, linked to keywords, facial expressions and body language, so you can realise when this is happening.

Relies on him to handle household finances
this actually involves lots of extra work, it means paying the electricity , gas, water, council rates, garbage collection and various other bills, working out how much to give your wife for the weekly shopping, organising the kids pocket money and the list goes on. I would suggest handing all general bills (telecom, electricity, ecc) to an internet bank, use excel to organise the other bills and Microsoft Money for the more complicated tasks. Try to create a model which incorporates the previous rule, you should then be able to calculate how much she has expressed without controlling you.

Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment
This topic is linked closely with the one above. A surrendered wife has lots more time on her hands, the husband has taken complete control of everything, this leaves lots of time for self-care and fulfilment. Playing squash, tennis, swimming, massages and fulfilling herself in the local tea shop, pub, club and café.
posted by Deety . at 12:30 PM

I can write Software because I already had some Wine

If we look at the software packages available today, then it is nearly impossible to think that they were conceived by someone sober. All the stories I hear about these computer guru’s are all the same. Sandal wearing, pot smoking, bean bags, ecc. I do not wear sandals, smoke or own any bean bags but I do like my wine. I am currently working on a program which is to be used by people who have drunk a few glasses of wine. It is designed to make use of the extra potential we all express after we have had a few. Wine opens up your mind, takes away you inhibitions and magnifies you lateral thinking abilities. This is exactly what is needed in the computer market today. Here is a brief userguide:

• Turn on the computer Run the Wine-thinkers program


• Drink a glass of wine


• Drink another glass


• Drink yet another glass


• Buy a round (only L.500 a glass at my local)


• Have one for the road


• Sit in front of the computer (if you do not see the screen then you are at the back)


• Press the Return key - If the program sees that you have pressed the correct key then


• The message "you have not had enough, have another drink" will appear


• Keep drinking until the computer tells you to stop


• You are now ready to start using the program


• At this point try and enter your ideas into the computer, this can be done using the
  keyboard, via the microphone or by just looking into the Camera(version 6.00, computer
  tries to read from your expressions what you are trying to say)


• The next day run the wine-thinkers program with the /NoGlass Parameter


• Print out the ideas of the night before, note all ideas are automatically sent via the
  internet to all users who have paid a full licence fee for this program


• Try to get a loan from your bank for your idea.


• If that does not work then, don not worry, sooner or later someone who has paid the full
  licence fee for this program will call you to back your idea..

posted by Deety . at 10:52 AM

I can have a wife because I already have a male computer.

My wife does not understand me at 100%, in fact in her opinion I do not contribute 100% of me. When it comes to doing the housework then I am told that I only do a fraction. On the other hand if I spent just a fraction of the time that I spend in the bar doing the housework, then this would make her 100% happy. What is a fraction, is it too much or not enough, in this day and age we should be using decimals anyhow, or was that friction and decibels.

I tried to tell her that it is like my computer theory (see I can have a computer because I already have a pen), but this just made her mad. To sum things up a computer is male and married. The percentage of use of the total capabilities of a computer is about the same amount of the use that a husband makes of his total capabilities.
posted by Deety . at 10:51 AM

I can have a glass of wine because I already have a computer.

As I mentioned in my last letter I have just purchased a new computer. Taking into account the cost difference between a glass of wine and a computer I think that nobody would grudge me spending 500 lira on a glass of wine, especially after I have just spent all that money on a new computer of which I use only 5% of it’s capabilities. The glass of wine on the other hand is used up at 100%. If I then add other glasses of wine, the after-effects generated can be viewed as extras. This means that the use of wine at 100% per glass actually increases the more you consume. This holds true until you consume to much and then the percentage drops drastically to below 100.
posted by Deety . at 10:50 AM

Title: I can have a computer because I already have a pen.

I want to buy a computer, mainly to write letters, send a few faxes , email and navigate the Internet. But I ask myself, how can I justify a computer if I only use 5% of it’s capabilities? Nowadays a computer can do almost anything, it can play music, edit films, control the heating, advise you on your health, help you cook a good curry, you can even have sex with it. I would never get the time to do all these things and besides I don’t want to do them.

I remembered that someone had once asked me for a pen and paper so that he could jot down a very enlightening thought that had just popped into his head, I promptly opened my briefcase and gave him pen and paper. This particular episode got me thinking…. I only use my pen for 5% of it’s capabilities, I never use it to jot down mind bending thoughts, write novels, sketch a masterpiece or even write a simple letter. So why do I have a pen in my top pocket, how did I justify the purchase of that pen.

The same principle can be applied to nearly anything in my possession, I have a mountain bike but as the mountains around here are to steep I only ever use it to pop to my local shop (and then I push it back because going uphill is not my forte). I have 10 pairs of jeans, 6 pairs of trousers and 4 pairs of shorts. Lets do some maths…. 10 + 6 + 4 = 20. This means that I am not using a particular garment for about 346 days of the year. Lets work out the cost… about Lit. 50.000 x 20 = 1,000,000 Lira worth of pants being used for 5% of the time (if I add the time spent in my pyjamas then it only 2.5%).

Anyhow to cut a long story short, thanks to the pen already in my possession, I now have spanking new computer and am very happy.
Deety@barganews.com
posted by keane . at 10:36 AM